Pure Love

I had a song that i keep close to my heart. This one is so special because every time i heard this song played on the stereo, it made me think of my father. The song is in Dusun and it called Upus Tolidang. It means Pure Love. Upus means love while tolidang means pure.

You can find the lyrics and translation beneath the video panel. I never knew that translating work would be so hard. This is my first translation work and i think i barely conveyed the real essence of the lyrics.

If you understand Dusun you would know that the lyrics are so beautiful. Dusun is my mother tongue but i rarely use it. Most of the time i speak in Malay. Anyway, enjoy!



Odop noh koupusan Sleep my love
mamanau aku noh cause i'm leaving now
minsodu mantad dika away from you

Sorohon oku noh Please remember me
igitai tih upus ku hold on to my love
posonong ginawo nuh it'll make you strong

Oruol ginawo ku  My heart is hurt
monongkiad dika to leave you behind
aradaat ginawo ku my heart is not at ease
soira kosorou when i think
koinsanai diti of all this

Odop noh koupusan Sleep my love
kada noh pogihad do not cry anymore
tu mibok oku noh cause i need to leave
sogigisom forever

Olumaag noh da Please be strong
iri noh pagandasan ku that is my only hope
tu poingirot kasari cause my heart will always
ginawo ku id dika close to yours
sogigisom forever

Oi koupusan ku Oh my love
kada noh kaangau please do not worry
tu upus ku doi dika cause my love to you
upus dih olidang is a pure love

Oruol ginawo ku My heart is hurt
monongkiad dika to leave you behind
aradaat ginawo ku my heart is not at ease
soira kosorou when i think
koinsanai diti of all this

Odop noh koupusan Sleep my love
kada noh pogihad do not cry anymore
tu mibok oku noh cause i need to leave
sogigisom forever

Olumaag noh da Please be strong
iri noh pagandasan ku that is my only hope
tu poingirot kasari cause my heart will always
ginawo ku id dika close to yours
sogigisom forever

oi koupusan ku Oh my love

oi koupusan ku Oh my love

Plan B

I was happy as a bird this morning until...now that doesn't sound right isn't it? Shouldn't it be a lark instead? Happy as a clam? Happy as a child? Doesn't matter. I was feeling like a bird and it was my own thoughts anyway. So let us continue, i was feeling happy as a bird flying freely in the morning sun until my friend told me that the Taal Volcano in Philippines is expected to erupt in anytime soon.

:(

I'm going to Philippines next week. I was so excited about this trip and i have been talking to everyone around me about it for a month. I even prepared a very detailed itinerary for this trip. So can you imagine how devastated i was when i heard the news?

Truthfully, i was feeling a bit stressed out at work recently. That's why i was looking the trip to Philippines as my salvation. I needed a getaway. That's my oasis in the 365 days. If it were riots or terrorists issue, i still can gamble with that. But this is the wrath of mother nature we're talking about. How am i suppose to throw my dice on this?

According to the news, the Philippines government has started the evacuation process and stopped tourists from visiting. I never plan to visit this volcano but it worried me because the volcano is just 31 miles from Manila, which would be the place where i'm staying. Don't tell me that i'm looking at my death ticket. It just sound bad, but it not necessarily look bad right?

The picturesque Taal Volcano & Lake

Fun facts or rather frustrating facts about this volcano, that it has erupted 30 times since 16th century. The last eruption was in 1977. It's famous and greatest eruption was in 1754 which lasted for 200 days! From May 15th until December 1st. It's literally half a year! Without a doubt, this is indeed a scary volcano.

So, i realized that i needed to have a Plan B. I know for sure that the payment for hotel which i had paid earlier would be burnt. At first, i thought of flying to West Malaysia and board on a bus/train to Thailand. But then i thought that i would be a great waste if i spend my precious 1 week holiday by just wandering around Hat Yai, when Malaysia have so much more to offer. For instance, if you are the shopping type obviously you'd fit in KL, or if you prefer more relaxing holiday, a beach maybe, there's Langkawi Island. Any food lover will find Penang is the place to die for. Or if you're like challenges there's the Mt. Kinabalu to climb, or Padas River for rafting and i could go on until tomorrow but time is not in our favor.

But i personally loves Taiping. I've only been there twice yet i always dreaming of returning. I love the zoo, i love the park, i love the weather, i love the coffee shop, and i love almost everything about Taiping. Therefore, if i had to cancel my trip to Philippines i won't feel that bad cause finally i got a reason to go back to Taiping.

But for now, i think i need to put Taiping on hold. Cause i just remember that i actually got a lot of errand that i need to do. So i want to use this god given opportunity to get all the works done since i can't cancel my leave now.

Still frustrated.

Still hoping that the Taal Volcano wont erupt.

Tsk, what a ridiculous hope. Of course the volcano is going to, that's what volcano are for.

Anyway, i just had to believe what Alexander Graham Bell once said,

"When one door closes, another opens"

The after party

So, i'm officially 30 years old now. And i, surprisingly, feels great! Really. Yeah, i don't know. Maybe i am. But i'm definitely okay being 30 now. I have made peace with my 30 years old self. No more panicking in the middle of the night. No more long useless deep thoughts. I mean i survived the storm. After the clock strike midnight, my car didn't turned into a pumpkin, my cat didn't became a rat, and i'm still me. And still here.

I have a feeling that as time goes by, it will get easier handling birthdays. When my friends wish me happy birthday and said "oh, you're 30 and you're old now", i just replied, "yeah, i feel great and fabulous. It's like the world is at my feet". I flaunt those lines real hard that it almost knock they off their feet. You should see their faces. What? It's just what i felt. Don't blame me for trying so hard. And besides, it's my birthday so i'm allowed to do what ever i want.

My friends are the best. Even though they launched a search party in my hair, for an evidence to prove that i'm genuinely 30, which they succeeded by the way, they still make me feel better. I guess that is what friends are for right? They make everything looks better. You just have to allowed them to do that for you. A strand or two of grey hair doesn't make me a grandma. It's in fact a symbol of wisdom and knowledge. So you should be proud to have a few of those. Or you can start putting more iron in your diet.

And hey, there's one thing i learned from my birthday, that family may forget your birthday but friends, never will they missed it. It's a realization actually. So, that'll give you one reason to treasure your friends. I can give you thousands. But maybe another time.

Salut.

Ignorance is bliss

As my birthday is getting closer, i cannot help but to continue rambling unceasingly. I'm sorry if your brain is bleeding from reading this entry. Anyway, as i say, my birthday is just around the corner, so i'm getting desperate to establish a new comfort zone for my peace of mind. I know that i cannot just let the day pass by and still thinking like a 29. I wish i could say that age is just a number. But who am i kidding?

In my opinion, being 30 means i'm already halfway through this life. That's why this is kinda huge deal for me. Although i'm not sure if i can make it to being 60. I have this little voice in my mind saying that i would not even pass 40. It's like a premonition or something. I told my friend about this and she said to me, "if you're still alive at 40 you better hide in a cave or suffer the embarrassment". Oh i'm so hoping to be embarrassed. And really want to be wrong in this. On the other side, it is a relief not to be alive until 60 when i don't have children to take care of me in my old age.

Anyway, i was talking to my cousin yesterday. I was telling him about my pre-midlife crisis. And by the way, he is the awesomest cousin in the world. He certainly is the most important man in my life. In fact, if i may correct that, he ranked at number 2 only after my father. I have yet to evaluate where Mr. Boyfriend is standing. Can i talk about him for just a little bit more? Talking about him make my heart float in the air. Even his name start and spell with love. He is my medicine when i'm sick, my wings when i'm down, my sweets when days are bitter and most importantly, he is the seasoning in the 365 days. Sound mushy right? I'm tempted to call him my best friend but i think that title not even close to what he really meant to me. For all i know, if it's not because that he's my cousin, he is my soul mate. I know what you're thinking. Don't ewww me. It's not like that. It's just that i feel that i can connect to him. It maybe years since we last talked, but when we finally meet up, the only thing new is the news, we are just as we are. We can sit down and talk about Britney Spear for hours. His topics interest me and mine to him. And he just know how to respond to all my worries. When my father died, i hold up my tears, isolate my self in the corner, and refuse to talk to anyone. But when he arrived at my house, he just walk straight to me and sat quietly beside me. 5 minutes later i brokedown to him.

I simply adored him. And i dare to say that he is the best thing that ever happened to me since i was born. Of course after him there are many more blessing that fall unto me. But he is just one of that marked milestones.

So i confided in him again yesterday. The last time i talked to him was at our Christmas party in 2009. I told him that i was hopeless, i'm barely breathing and it's a wonder why i still haven't committed suicide yet. Don't be alarm, it was obviously a joke. And his reply was,

'yeah, life kinda sucks'.

Then i told him i'm turning 30 next week, i still haven't done anything, i want to be 35 and sated and ready to die, and he said

'35 is the new 25, do what you want'.

And just like that i'm back on track.

So here i am, ready being 30.

Bring it on.

Perhaps not to be..

.. is to be without your being,
without your going, that cuts noon light
like a blue flower, without your passing
later through fog and stones,
without the torch you lift in your hand
that others may not see as golden,
that perhaps no one believed blossomed
the glowing origin of the rose,
without, in the end, your being, your coming
suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life,
blaze of the rose-tree, wheat of the breeze:
and it follows that I am, because you are:
it follows from ‘you are’, that I am, and we:
and, because of love, you will, I will,
We will, come to be.

Pablo Neruda

Marriage 2.0

I could not sleep last night. In 1 week time i'll be 30. That's right. I'm turning 30 next week. So i can't help my self but to think a lot. This is normal, right? I mean it's normal to be anxious when you're turning 30, right?

So what is it that i could be thinking of? There should be 2 things. Life achievement and marriage. Well i'm not worry about the first one. It's not that i'm now a very successful person. I just don't care what others definition of success. For me, as long as i'm happy and i got paid every end of the month, thus i'm successful. As for marriage topic, i wish it was much simpler and less straightforward than being successful. Oh how i hate this topic. This is the very topic that keeping me awake every night. I was thinking about marriage until one point i was actually considering to get married just for the sake of wanting to please others and getting the title. So why don't i? Because, if i get married now, i'm very sure that i wont be happy. Really. My aunt once told me that the reason i'n not married is because i'm so stingy. At first i don't understand what she's saying. I mean what marriage got to do with being stingy? Those 2 things are not even related. But then the idea of it seems to come around when i understand myself more. I try to stray away from the marriage path because i just can't see myself in someone else life, or sharing their life. I enjoy being alone. Didn't i tell you before that i'm a boring person? I'm practically living together with Mr, but even Mr got his day off. A day off means Mr don't have to come to my (our) place. He just stayed at his other home, which solely belongs to him. Sometimes his off day is once a week, sometimes two and sometimes more than that. Last week he got 3 off days, Saturday to Monday. What? I like to be alone on weekend. That's my 'me time'. I tend to feel suffocated if he's buzzing around me 24/7.

Last year, i bought a house, which was the biggest commitment i ever made in my entire life. The house is still in construction, i expect to get the keys this coming August. The house i bought is just 5 minutes driving from my current rented apartment and about 10 minutes driving from Mr's house. I mean, what am i doing? I told Mr that it's just an investment. And the house loan is taking 1/3 of my monthly salary...i really don't know how to explain further. I'm just not like any other girl. I don't like being owned. I have my own troubles that i need to take care, so i don't need more of that from another person. Call me selfish but i just can't bring myself to care.

This marriage thing is troubling me a lot. I am usually hardheaded like a concrete. I can bring down all comments and critics in one wave of my hand. Two or three of those bullets don't affect me. But even concrete have a thing called 'fatigue'. If you force even a small load on the concrete consecutively for sometime, one day the concrete will break eventually. That's why all building have their life limit. So am i.

I had have this thoughts, that one day when i had enough, i should just pack my things and move to another country where no one can find me and nobody know anybody. So i can start fresh with new identity. Maybe even use the 'divorced' status or even 'widow'. Sound fun and adventure right?

Anyway, i have stop whining now. My boss just walk in to the office. Now i have to pretend to do some work and being busy about it. Hey, at least i'm not kissing his bottom right?

Touch

Touch me not lest i answer unrestrained

Assaulting battering pretending love

Or touch a lot to keep the Lion tamed

Or touch, but not too much, with hand in glove

Touch with care, each touch a velvet question

Have gestures sensed unanswered questions?

Do we respect each other situation?

Do afferent pleasures now awaken?

Touch hands and feel the pulses of the mind

Brush lips with breath to intimate a kiss

Link eye to eye to see if fancy's kind

Hear music as the measure of our bliss

Now touch my heart to stay in touch for life

Touch my soul to stay in touch forever

Pina's Song From Here to Eternity

p/s - I have been looking for this poem for a long time. Now that i found it, i must share it with you. I have a feeling that this month there will be a lot of Neruda's poem will be posted on this blog.

Fool Day

I don't think April Fool is a celebration. It's just a normal day like any other day in a year where you put up a prank on people and still can get away with it. All foolishness will be forgiven. Only on this day. But you don't want to mess with me today. Cause today is the 1st day of the 28th day cycle for me. So my muscle around my hip get cramped. A friend once told me that period pain is only like 1% of the pain of giving birth. Now can you imagine how much pain it is when one in labor? With the V cutting and sewing it back, i don't think that i will ever try to get pregnant. Yeah, i'm pretty sure that i don't ever want to. Unless i made a mistake. I'm a pro-life, you know. Even if i'm scared of needles, terrified of the cutting, i will never ever consider an abortion. But i would totally understand those who have gone through abortion before. They must have their reasons. Such journeys are not managed without hard decisions.

Anyway, lets talk about something else. Even though i'm in pain right now, i'm still happy. I have no reasons being happy. I just am. I want to share with you a fengshui calendar. It help you to pick which good day to cut your hair. This is only applicable in April 2011.

I know the quality is poor. I have yet to learn how to print screen on my ipad. You probably have to click on the photo to have a larger view. It's up to you whether you want to believe it or not. 90% of my friends and colleagues don't believe this kind of stuff. As for me, i dig in this fengshui thing. The chinese believe that there are 3 kinds of luck, Heaven Luck, Earth Luck and Man Luck. Heaven Luck is something that are predestined for you, the thing that you're born with, and you can't change it. While Earth Luck is something that come from all that around you. In another words, your environment and what surround you are affecting you. This is why people practice fengshui. Last but not least, the Man Luck. It is easier to understand that Man Luck is something like the saying 'what goes around will comes around'. Our course of action will determine our Man Luck. I read it somewhere that our lives are 50% affected by the Heaven Luck, 30% by Earth Luck and 20% by Man Luck. Sound silly right? But i'm one of those people. If i want something, i will work hard for it. I don't do day dream. I might not get what i want in the end, but that's okay. At least i know what it's like to want something.

So, can you guess when i'm getting my hair cut?