So, this morning my colleague told me that one of our friend had registered to get married. The information was then of course, followed by a radioactive sensitive question, "when will you want to get married?". For this kind of questions, i have readily set a few conversation to distract the questioner, such as, "what?", "what do you mean?", "oh, really? did she...?", "no wonder she...", while i design a more appropriate answer to the question.
As much as i hate getting asked by that question, i seldom lie with my answer. Why didn't i get married? It's easy. It's because, i just don't want to. Maybe not yet, maybe not ever. Who know? For all i know, at the time being, i just don't feel like getting married. Is it very difficult to understand that?
The society view things differently. Their thinking is just as my mother's. A female's goal in life should be grow up to be a proper woman, get married, bear children (as many as possible), put kids to school and talk who got the smartest child, compare whose kid got the best job/ pay, whose kid marry a millionaire, whose the first to get grandchildren, and so on. It's a cycle.
So, unmarried at middle age, is basically a failure. I'm turning 30 this year. Alarms ringing everywhere. Even my 10 years old niece had asked me if i ever gonna get married. Can you see the tension i have to face everyday? Usually, when people asked me that 1 million dollar question, my answer would be one of the following;
1) I haven't found the One
(this is what i usually tell people that i don't often see)
2) I don't have enough money to get married
(this is what i tell friends, colleagues and relatives)
3) I just don't want to
(what i tell my family)
Sometimes i think that i maybe getting on life slower than some people do. I had my first crush when i'm 20 and first boyfriend when i'm 22. And you don't even wanna know when did i lose my ahem *clear throat* ..maidenhood. Which i come to regret until now. I should have save myself for marriage. Maybe that will give me reason to anticipate marriage more.
Another theory that i can think of why i'm late or behind in marriage business, is because i am on top of the education/ career hierarchy among my peers. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to boast. I just want to come out with explanations so my mother will be quiet. You see, 98% of my high school friends and 5% of my college friends were married. The rest are unmarried. So, when i'm went to my high school reunion i felt like a loser. But when i went to the college reunion i felt perfectly normal.
I'm not allergic to marriage, you know. And i'm not one of those people who have phobia towards commitment. I would love to get married someday. But not today, not tomorrow. Marriage is not something you can just throw your dice on. I believe it's something that you have to plan and work on. I have a lot of things on my plate before i can put marriage up for discussion. For instance, i haven't even see Paris. I haven't see the Machu Picchu. I haven't see sakura bloom.
So, when will i get married? Honestly, i don't know. But when the time comes, i will know. Just like Vera Wang answer when asked how a bride choose their wedding dress, she said,
"a woman just know"
