Relapse

I'm falling back to my old habits.

But before i dwell into that, i want to assure you that i am a good person (i think). I am nice. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't do crime. I rarely (almost never) tell lies. I give to charity (once awhile). The point is, i am nice.

Yet despite all the above Nobel-Prize worthy qualities, i actually do have some vices. And you only need to know one. The others are (almost) insignificant.

It's gambling.

Hi, my name is Angel and i'm addicted to gambling.

The thing about gambling is that it is never about the money. It is all about the winning. The feeling of satisfaction and triumph, you can't get it anywhere else. Not by skydiving nor drugs can imitate it. The exact words i used to describe the feeling of winning to my sister were;

"Remember the feeling you had when you first fell in love? Now times that to 10. I rather win lottery than falling in love"

It has been months since i last gamble. I was doing fine until this morning my friend told me that she has won 3 times in a row and had accumulated RM90k winning money. That my friend, is what a trigger look like.

Now i'm fired up!

A better person

I seriously in need of a retreat. Probably somewhere in the mountains. Hidden from civilization. Yeah, something like "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" situation. I read the book but didn't like it. It sounds to me like the author was talking to himself (in his head). I get what his trying to say. But clearly, when you read the book you'll feel that you are listening the author debating in his thoughts.

Anyway, what i'm trying to say is, i needed to get away. Anywhere but here. I'll even take the underworld if that's the only card left. I want to get better. I want to love myself. I want to start living for real. But i can't, because i'm stuck here.

I give up. I'm all beat up. There's nothing left the almighty could possibly take from me. I already hate myself and my life. I'm all bare. Do whatever you want. Experiments, if you fancy it!

Deep breath.

Okay. Now i'm officially crazy.

I'm angry at "something" for the consequences of my own actions. Maybe in some way beyond our comprehension, life is fair after all.

By the way, playing angry birds only makes me angrier.

Ugly

Have you ever heard 2NE1 song 'Ugly'? Well, here's Sungha Jung version of the song.



I feel like crap today. I was chirpy and happy this morning until Mr. walked in to my office and makes me feel crap. I'm in a dead end relationship. And there's no way getting out of it. Unless death be so kind and do us a favor. Of course i don't mind to go first. Then in the next life i would make sure that our fate won't cross each others again. We'll be at least 5000 miles away from each other.

Why didn't i just break free? I don't know. Maybe i'm scared to hurt. Or maybe i'm just a coward. It's not like i haven't tried. I did tried. A couple of times. But in the end, i'm still here. Trapped. It's like i'm paying for my past life sins. Karma won't let me through until i learn the lesson.

Que sera..

Time indeed fly without us noticing it, isn't it?

Feels just like yesterday i was watching the sakura bloom in April and today September already here. Year 2012 feels like the wind. I don't even realize it's presence. And i have the feeling that by the time this year is over i wont even remember that i have lived through 2012.

In the previous years, usually at this time of the year i will have it all planned for the coming year. But this time i haven't planned anything for 2013. The prospect of year ahead seems empty and foggy. I don't even have any idea where i want to travel next year. I could say that i want to be spontaneous but who am i kidding here? I am far from spontaneous. In fact i am the opposite of spontaneous. So that leave me with only 2 possible conclusions. 2013 will be either wild or dead boring.

But if you asked me what i really wanted to do, i would say that i wish i could leave everything behind and go the other direction. I wish to go up in the mountains and meditate like the monks. I envy them. I envy the blissful life they live. But go with the flow i must.

I desperately in need of a retreat. The longer i stayed the more hateful i become. The world is slowly eating me out. Soon i'm going to lose my mind and there will be no more me. Then it will be all too late.

What a hateful world, isn't it?

Indeed a cruel, hateful world.

I need a new pair of glasses.

I hate April

yeah, i truly do.

So, it has been a while isn't it? In the last few weeks i have been working like a dog. It's true. At some point i even think that the only title suited me well is "slave". I was gritting my teeth the whole time and never stop counting the days until i can finally leave this hell hole.

Last week i was at my lowest. The longer i spent my time in the office the more angry i became. I tried to spend more time at the construction site but i will always end up pulled back to sit in the office doing the stupid paper work which are endless! And so it happened. I'm not sure what exactly ticked me off but i finally exploded. To poor Mr. I was like a mad man screaming in the car yelling at Mr, "IF I'M STILL HERE NEXT WEEK, I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF! YOU MARK MY WORDS! I'M GOING TO DRIVE TOWARDS THE ELECTRIC POST, YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE!"

So, today is the week that i'm talking about. But i won't go and kill myself cause today is my last day of working. And the weird thing is that i'm not really sad or happy the fact that today is really my last day here. I'm more anxious actually. I'm afraid that i would be asked to spend another minutes in this company. If that happened then i would go and jump off the cliff.

I can't be calmed until it's 5pm. So i'm pretty much a grumpy right now.

News update

from yesterday's talk.

Turn out my brothers don't need to go to jail after all. They appealed for 2nd time and pay only small amount of fines. What a wonderful law we have here huh? Everybody deserved a second chance. But then, they will have to submit their clean urine report every month for the next 2 years. That'll teach them something.

Happiness is..

when what you think, say and feel are in harmony

That's my friend's Skype status this morning.

Well, my thoughts, my feeling and my words are definitely not sitting in the same room. Mr. Thoughts and Mr. Feelings are sworn enemy, while Mr. Moutie Mouth is a world class back stabber. So in conclusion, i say that i'm not happy. But i'm not yet finish. I say, happiness must be when you become the ideal person whom others think you should be. Am i not right?

I wish death would come sooner. What's there to live if this life has no hope. Better finish this one course quickly and move on to the next, right? Funny thing is, i'm only 30 yet i feel like tomorrow would be my 120th.

Or, am i just this one of a kind insatiable creature? Yes, last time when i said i want to belong to someone, before the week's over i was already in a relationship. And now, all i want is, to be NOT in a relationship. I want to be alone and i want to belong to no one. I want to go to a cave and die there by myself.

And do you know what is the worst invention of all? Oh, it's not TV alright. It's family. Surprise? Yeah? Think about it. Only family will bring hell to you on earth. Why should you dive to the hell hole with the others when it's their choice to jump? It's not like you didn't told them NO, right? It always them who take you for granted, isn't it?

By the way, 2 of my brothers are going to jail tomorrow. For in possession of ice. Yeah, you heard that right. They could have appealed in the court by paying only fines. But then, they have mistaken the High Court for the courtyard in front of our house, so instead of arriving at the court at 8.30 am, they decided that the Judge should sit and wait for them and arrived at 10 am. So they were sentenced without them being there. And my mum text-ed me and ask me to perform miracles. I told her "what you want me to do?" When i'm working like a dog, they have the luxury to stay at home and smoke ice. When i was half hour early to office, they were an hour and half late to court. So what you want me to do? Would you be happy if i joined them in jail? I secretly would very much prefer life in jail than the life i'm living now. In jail i would have more time to meditate, reflect on my thoughts and to read books. Oh yes, i would love that. I love getting lost in those pages. And time shall be my friend instead of enemy. But then, when i'm gone, you don't think that money grow on trees, do you?

July oh July

Nothing seems to be going right for me this month. Everything i do will end up either tossed in the back or annoyingly hanging in the front. And i am so close of losing control of myself. I am restless. If i can't get things done, and there's nothing i can do about it, i will go crazy. I am definitely not the type who can sit and wait. I even hate the word 'patient'. Please, i beg you, never ever test the limit of my patient.

I hate idling. I hate slow moving stuff. I don't hate snails and turtles because it's their nature to be slow. At least they are moving, right? I hate laziness. I hate excuses. And most of all, i hate dealing with government's staff.

O God have mercy, but why do they have to be SO LAZY and PAINFULLY SLOW?!!!

And you think only retards work with the government? No, they all are the 3.5 GPA and above. I too, tried to apply work with the government before but sadly my 2.75 GPA are not good enough for them. Hey, at least i'm hard working even if i'm not smart. I work 6 days a week to keep the country's economy running. Maybe i don't have any idea what i'm talking about but at least in 5 years i have already completed 140km roads, built a dam and constructed 2 schools.

So i ask you, government staff, where is yours? Except for the paperwork (which you may have instructed others to do it for you), compiling and filing papers (which is your best) and the 'under table', show me where's your pride?

Hah, i think so.

My Series of Unfortunate Events

I had a series of bad luck at the end of last month and beginning of this month. Nothing major. Or shall i call it mini series of unfortunate events?

The first bad luck i encountered happened last week. It was raining non-stop for 3 days and some roads were flooded. And you think flood means stay home? No, hell no. In the company where i work, even when the tsunami hit our office i still have to come to work. So, going to work means i have to cross over 5 flood spot on the road. Good thing my car is a 4-wheel drive. But being able to drive though the flood doesn't mean my car's tyres is proof to puncture. The punc were 2 times, and each time 2 tyres involved. To sum up, last week i've had 4 punc repairs!

The second was having caught an ailment. Well, it's nothing serious. I would say it is just a mild illness. It's a cough, actually. You may see that coughing is rather a nasty habit than an illness, but the type of cough i have is so irritating that i just want to stay at home and be done with it. I seldom cough, but when the cough resurface it will be so difficult to get rid off. And did i mentioned that i attend a lot of meetings? Meeting + cough = Airplane + cough = Annoying. Still coughing at the moment.

Third, was seeing my nephew Arthur admitted to ICU for having a high fever and seizure at the same time. He is just 1 year old and have yet learn to walk. It just break my heart to see those little hands and legs were pierced by needles. The night i arrived home, he still laughing and playing. Then the next morning he was on the trolley, no shirt on, tubes all over his body, with his half closed eyes, and you know he's in pain. It's just a cruel sight. Not fair. Babies should not suffer like that. Maybe it was God's way of punishing the parents. Don't tell me there's a silver lining in this. God is just mean.

Lastly, which i hope it to be, last night i come back from my Chinese New Year holiday, returned to my rented apartment, only to find out that the electricity distribution board flamed up. The whole block has no power. In fact, my neighbour informed me that it has been like that for 3 days and neither the developer nor the power provider want to bear responsibilities and take action. My fridge smells like dead animal. My room feels like oven. So, what i do next was pick up my stuff and went to the nearest hotel. But i don't like staying in hotel even if it was presidential suite when my apartment is just 10 minutes away. I miss my bed, my tv, my computer, the piles of book besides my bed. In my apartment everything i need is just an arm away. Now in the hotel everything i need is 10 minutes away. Huge different. I feel like a stranger in Sandakan.

Does it get worser than this? Thinking of getting my self lime leaves this evening. Chinese beliefs that if you take bath in water soaked with lime leaves will wash away the bad luck. Whether it's true or not, i don't know. But it will not hurt to try this out.

Last words

I cried watching episode 14 - Last Words of How I Met Your Mother. There was nothing funny about this episode, or funeral, at all. Those who have been there, knows. I have been there myself. And i should know that funeral is the darkest time of all, and the sun should be forbidden to shine on that day.

It strikes me that i never have any last words from my father. And the worst thing is that i couldn't even remember when is the last time i spoke to him. Do i have regrets? Yes, i have loads of them. There were things that i wanted to buy for him, places i wanted to show to him, and promises that i wanted to make up to him. Now, even in my dream i couldn't do all that. So what was holding me back then? Time. O, i do have all the time in the world but i was taking it for granted. I was too busy working for a living. You think engineers earn a lot? In my first job, even the security guard earned better than me. That's why my professor once told me that engineer is the shittiest profession in the world. You work like a dog, took all the bullets, and in the end of the month earn the pay just as that. So, i was hopping from one company to another, so that i can demand a higher salary. And just when things were started getting better, God the mastermind of all things that happened (including the war and famine), chose to take back that one insignificant little life that he once gave. What's there to consider before plucking someone's petty life when He had the war and famine to manage? Nothing. Basically what God do is like this; He gave the man a land to grow his favorite fruits, the man worked his life to grow the fruits, and when the fruits ripe enough to be harvest, God end the man life.

I'm sorry if i had made any of you out there angry or hurt by saying all those things about God. I didn't mean to mock God or your faith. I'm just expressing the thoughts inside my head. And if what i have done considered a sin then i'll be gladly to expect my punishment.

I'm angry too. I'm angry about both, if you ask. And i will never stop being angry until He explain to me. Not literally speaking. Just make me understand why. And i might just forgive.

From the depths of my heart, I hate you

Before turning 29 i never thought that i am capable of feeling hate towards our fellow human being. I am talking about an extreme kind of hate. The one that as if i saw her half dead in the middle of the desert, i would make sure that she is conscious enough to see the vultures feed on her body. And before i leave her to die, i will look into her eyes and say "see you in hell". I will sacrifice heaven to see her in hell, so i can kill her with my bare hands. I'm sure that if i spent at least 2 hours thinking how much i hate this particular human being, this would the day that i turn to be a serial killer. Yes, i have that much hate in me.





It always started as a friendship. A fake friendship of course. If only i could smell it from the beginning i would never be hurt like this. Fengshui did warned me about her but i choose not to listen. Our stories goes like this. One morning, Ms. Bitch came to me with her red eyes, as she have been crying all night. Telling me that she was humiliated in front of her friends by my bos (who is also her bos). It seems that she and my bos have made a business pact together. Ms. Bitch would look for projects to tender and Mr. Bos would finance the projects. Then one day Ms. Bitch managed to get Cleaning Projects from the government. She claim that deposit need to be pay to the government representative before they can award you the projects. But Mr. Bos refused to pay because it is a common practice you will pay after you received payments for the works done. This is typical government servants. If you got engaged in government project you need to make sure that everybody get the cakes. Ok, back to my hate story. When Ms. Bitch come into my office that morning, with her swollen red eyes, i felt sorry for her. Then she had the brightest idea ever. She said, "why don't you take over the project? All you have to do is come out with RM 3000.00 and i will take care of everything for you". 3k is not small amount of money for me. It is a hard earn cash for me. It took me 3 years to save that. Then i think to my self, "why not?". I have the money, she is my friend and i trust her. After i hand over my money to her, she went out to town and off the radar for a week. No calls and no news from her. After almost 2 weeks, she came back again to me offering to me another project. This time the project cost me about RM 2000.00. She told me that she need the money asap. It was Saturday that time. No banks open. And she had to left town on Sunday. I told her that i would bank in the money on Monday but then she had no atm cards (guess what? i found out later that her atm card were taken by the loan shark. to ensure that she pay her loan at the end of every month). Then i give her my atm card instead. Told her that i will deposit the money on Monday. So she left. Out of town again. With my atm card and another 2k. It never occurred to me that she was actually conned me upside down until colleagues my questions me. I was actually paying for her vacations. I had notice that from the moment i gave her money, she start to wear new clothes, new shoes and new handbags almost every day. Then again, after coming back she went to see me again with another project. Asking another RM 2000.00. By this time i already know that it's a ruse. I rejected her project politely. Never once i mentioned to her about being conned. 2 days after that she came back to me again with another project. This time she does not mention any money involved. I know the money part come later after i agreed of be conned. That is the last time i spoke to her. From that moment on, everything became so clear to me. All her talk, laugh, all fake. Now all i see is lies coming out of her mouth. I avoid being around her because i disgusted with people who lied to my face. Even though i secretly hoping that one day she will come to me with the projects that i have pay previously, in her hands, offering to me, and proving that i was wrong all the way, and i was the evil one.

In the end, she manage to take RM 6300.00 from me. It's a large amount of money for me. But when i think it's over, it's not the lost of my hard earn money that hurt the most. It's the fooling and the betrayal that killed every goodness left in me. I was not fooled once, but i was fooled twice. Shame on me. I hate my self for being very stupid and I hate her for fooling me. My entire being is cursing her forever. There is no turning back for this hate. I will never forgive her. And i will never forget.

High school

Today I got tagged in a high school class photos by an old friend of mine. We were classmate. We were in the same class. I'm not trying to talk cock but our class was considered to be the best in terms of brain during that era. Others could only dreamed to be part of the class. As for me, I always make sure that I would be in the top-3 of the class brain hierarchy. Why? Because I just simply love studying. I love learning something new. I indulged in my curiosity. I enjoy the feeling of satisfaction after understanding the problem. So back to the original topic, after everybody got tagged, all started commenting of how they long for that old time memories. I in my usual mode, never really cared to respond or add any further comments (unless it is something that I cannot ignore such as disturbingly cute kittens). Then after 10 or more comments added, this tagger start bitching about how some people in that class were not part of her happy memories. She claims that these people were not friendly, do not care to mix with others and finally sum up the year she spent in that class was not pleasant at all. She said that she rather and more happy to join other class. I know for sure that she is talking about me. Then sad thing is that I do not even remember who she is. I even tried looking at her new recent updated photos and compared to the class photo, I still could not tell which one is her. But in the end, after 2 hours guessing, narrowing and eliminating my guess I finally find out which one is she. To be frank I don't remember anything about her. In fact I think I barely speak more than 10 words to her in that class. I don't know why. But I'm not the type of people who discriminates others. In my defense, I have to study more than chit chatting. I was not born lucky, I don't have the privileges to enjoy high school. I sacrifice my youth in order to achieve what I have now. I'm not pretty, my family is not rich and I'm not born smart. Nothing infuriates me more that having people saying that I was lucky to be born with good brain. Nobody is naturally smart. 0 + 10 = 10. There is no way you could get 0 + 5 to equal 10. I believe that it is all about effort. I always get people asking what is my secret. There is no magic pill that make you smart instantly. The only ingredient is hard work. For me, I always see the Japanese as an example. I only sleep 4 hours every night. I get up at 4am to study and sleep at 11pm. I made sure that I have studied at least 10 hours a day. Not to include the normal school hours which from 7 to 12pm. Of course there were ups and downs in my journey. Even machines sometimes broke down. When I'm in my downs, I have my magic words something that goes like this, "the greats and heights of great man, were not attained by sudden flight, they while their companions asleep, were toiling upwards in the night".

So, I am kind of sad when she said that. It makes me feel that I'm the reason why she didn't enjoy high school. But I am not going to apologize for ruining her prime just because I want to have the last laugh. Strange isn't it, when you thought you were neutral, somewhere somebody is quietly hating you.

Anybody out there, who are dare to dream, don't stop. I dare you. Fight till the last drop of your blood. Because I tell you this, nothing of your sweats and tears will go wasted.

Hypocrite

Maybe i am..

This morning when my friend tell me about her backpacking adventures around Europe i find myself secretly envying her. Some people are just born lucky. She is pretty. She got the brain. As soon as we graduated she quickly get a job with 5 figures salary. And she live her life like a star.

Can you blame me for being green?

Every time i heard others stories of traveling, i feel the excitement to travel. Then the typical stupid me went to purchase air tickets and hotel in advance. And then usually i bailed on 50% of the trip i planned. And when the trip goes well, being in a foreign place, strangers around me, language i do not understand, writings i cannot read, foods i do not know..could be very lonely. I often enjoy the first 2 days on the trip. After that, i started to miss home. I would miss my bed, my cat, my car, my tv, my computer, the pathway where i usually walk, the food that i everyday took. That is why i could never understand why some people could spend half of the year traveling the globe. And i'm dying to understand them. For me the perfect holiday would be to stay at home, eat, sleep, watch tv, playstation, wii nintendo, play with my cat, reading, tv, eat, and sleep until my head hurts.

My cousin used to call me an anti-social. It's because i always try to avoid meetings with people. I don't like to attend gatherings and i hate partys. I never had a birthday party thrown for me. Sad right? But don't be. I like it that way. I choose it to be like that. My mother is the opposite of me. She loves to party. Once, she even tried to throw a birthday party for me but then i managed to disappear with the cake. So, no birthday girl, no cake means no birthday party, only a party, without me. But i'm not a total party-hater. I usually go to New Year party (my fav), chirstmas, company's annual dinner (it's compulsory), and all good friends parties.

So, back to the original topic. I have another trip planned next month in end of October. This time my journey would be from Sandakan - Kuala Lumpur - Yogyakarta - Bali - Kuala Lumpur - Sandakan. I know for sure that this one gonna be a tiring trip.

After that, i have 3 more trips to go. December in Bandung, January in Jakarta and April in Manila. 2 of those 3 is strictly business.

And then, this morning i received an email from AirAsia which goes like this..Moshi Moshi Japan!





What the hell ?!!!!

!@#$%^&*!!!!!

Seriously?!!