Marriage 2.0

I could not sleep last night. In 1 week time i'll be 30. That's right. I'm turning 30 next week. So i can't help my self but to think a lot. This is normal, right? I mean it's normal to be anxious when you're turning 30, right?

So what is it that i could be thinking of? There should be 2 things. Life achievement and marriage. Well i'm not worry about the first one. It's not that i'm now a very successful person. I just don't care what others definition of success. For me, as long as i'm happy and i got paid every end of the month, thus i'm successful. As for marriage topic, i wish it was much simpler and less straightforward than being successful. Oh how i hate this topic. This is the very topic that keeping me awake every night. I was thinking about marriage until one point i was actually considering to get married just for the sake of wanting to please others and getting the title. So why don't i? Because, if i get married now, i'm very sure that i wont be happy. Really. My aunt once told me that the reason i'n not married is because i'm so stingy. At first i don't understand what she's saying. I mean what marriage got to do with being stingy? Those 2 things are not even related. But then the idea of it seems to come around when i understand myself more. I try to stray away from the marriage path because i just can't see myself in someone else life, or sharing their life. I enjoy being alone. Didn't i tell you before that i'm a boring person? I'm practically living together with Mr, but even Mr got his day off. A day off means Mr don't have to come to my (our) place. He just stayed at his other home, which solely belongs to him. Sometimes his off day is once a week, sometimes two and sometimes more than that. Last week he got 3 off days, Saturday to Monday. What? I like to be alone on weekend. That's my 'me time'. I tend to feel suffocated if he's buzzing around me 24/7.

Last year, i bought a house, which was the biggest commitment i ever made in my entire life. The house is still in construction, i expect to get the keys this coming August. The house i bought is just 5 minutes driving from my current rented apartment and about 10 minutes driving from Mr's house. I mean, what am i doing? I told Mr that it's just an investment. And the house loan is taking 1/3 of my monthly salary...i really don't know how to explain further. I'm just not like any other girl. I don't like being owned. I have my own troubles that i need to take care, so i don't need more of that from another person. Call me selfish but i just can't bring myself to care.

This marriage thing is troubling me a lot. I am usually hardheaded like a concrete. I can bring down all comments and critics in one wave of my hand. Two or three of those bullets don't affect me. But even concrete have a thing called 'fatigue'. If you force even a small load on the concrete consecutively for sometime, one day the concrete will break eventually. That's why all building have their life limit. So am i.

I had have this thoughts, that one day when i had enough, i should just pack my things and move to another country where no one can find me and nobody know anybody. So i can start fresh with new identity. Maybe even use the 'divorced' status or even 'widow'. Sound fun and adventure right?

Anyway, i have stop whining now. My boss just walk in to the office. Now i have to pretend to do some work and being busy about it. Hey, at least i'm not kissing his bottom right?

Touch

Touch me not lest i answer unrestrained

Assaulting battering pretending love

Or touch a lot to keep the Lion tamed

Or touch, but not too much, with hand in glove

Touch with care, each touch a velvet question

Have gestures sensed unanswered questions?

Do we respect each other situation?

Do afferent pleasures now awaken?

Touch hands and feel the pulses of the mind

Brush lips with breath to intimate a kiss

Link eye to eye to see if fancy's kind

Hear music as the measure of our bliss

Now touch my heart to stay in touch for life

Touch my soul to stay in touch forever

Pina's Song From Here to Eternity

p/s - I have been looking for this poem for a long time. Now that i found it, i must share it with you. I have a feeling that this month there will be a lot of Neruda's poem will be posted on this blog.

Fool Day

I don't think April Fool is a celebration. It's just a normal day like any other day in a year where you put up a prank on people and still can get away with it. All foolishness will be forgiven. Only on this day. But you don't want to mess with me today. Cause today is the 1st day of the 28th day cycle for me. So my muscle around my hip get cramped. A friend once told me that period pain is only like 1% of the pain of giving birth. Now can you imagine how much pain it is when one in labor? With the V cutting and sewing it back, i don't think that i will ever try to get pregnant. Yeah, i'm pretty sure that i don't ever want to. Unless i made a mistake. I'm a pro-life, you know. Even if i'm scared of needles, terrified of the cutting, i will never ever consider an abortion. But i would totally understand those who have gone through abortion before. They must have their reasons. Such journeys are not managed without hard decisions.

Anyway, lets talk about something else. Even though i'm in pain right now, i'm still happy. I have no reasons being happy. I just am. I want to share with you a fengshui calendar. It help you to pick which good day to cut your hair. This is only applicable in April 2011.

I know the quality is poor. I have yet to learn how to print screen on my ipad. You probably have to click on the photo to have a larger view. It's up to you whether you want to believe it or not. 90% of my friends and colleagues don't believe this kind of stuff. As for me, i dig in this fengshui thing. The chinese believe that there are 3 kinds of luck, Heaven Luck, Earth Luck and Man Luck. Heaven Luck is something that are predestined for you, the thing that you're born with, and you can't change it. While Earth Luck is something that come from all that around you. In another words, your environment and what surround you are affecting you. This is why people practice fengshui. Last but not least, the Man Luck. It is easier to understand that Man Luck is something like the saying 'what goes around will comes around'. Our course of action will determine our Man Luck. I read it somewhere that our lives are 50% affected by the Heaven Luck, 30% by Earth Luck and 20% by Man Luck. Sound silly right? But i'm one of those people. If i want something, i will work hard for it. I don't do day dream. I might not get what i want in the end, but that's okay. At least i know what it's like to want something.

So, can you guess when i'm getting my hair cut?