So what is it that i could be thinking of? There should be 2 things. Life achievement and marriage. Well i'm not worry about the first one. It's not that i'm now a very successful person. I just don't care what others definition of success. For me, as long as i'm happy and i got paid every end of the month, thus i'm successful. As for marriage topic, i wish it was much simpler and less straightforward than being successful. Oh how i hate this topic. This is the very topic that keeping me awake every night. I was thinking about marriage until one point i was actually considering to get married just for the sake of wanting to please others and getting the title. So why don't i? Because, if i get married now, i'm very sure that i wont be happy. Really. My aunt once told me that the reason i'n not married is because i'm so stingy. At first i don't understand what she's saying. I mean what marriage got to do with being stingy? Those 2 things are not even related. But then the idea of it seems to come around when i understand myself more. I try to stray away from the marriage path because i just can't see myself in someone else life, or sharing their life. I enjoy being alone. Didn't i tell you before that i'm a boring person? I'm practically living together with Mr, but even Mr got his day off. A day off means Mr don't have to come to my (our) place. He just stayed at his other home, which solely belongs to him. Sometimes his off day is once a week, sometimes two and sometimes more than that. Last week he got 3 off days, Saturday to Monday. What? I like to be alone on weekend. That's my 'me time'. I tend to feel suffocated if he's buzzing around me 24/7.
Last year, i bought a house, which was the biggest commitment i ever made in my entire life. The house is still in construction, i expect to get the keys this coming August. The house i bought is just 5 minutes driving from my current rented apartment and about 10 minutes driving from Mr's house. I mean, what am i doing? I told Mr that it's just an investment. And the house loan is taking 1/3 of my monthly salary...i really don't know how to explain further. I'm just not like any other girl. I don't like being owned. I have my own troubles that i need to take care, so i don't need more of that from another person. Call me selfish but i just can't bring myself to care.
This marriage thing is troubling me a lot. I am usually hardheaded like a concrete. I can bring down all comments and critics in one wave of my hand. Two or three of those bullets don't affect me. But even concrete have a thing called 'fatigue'. If you force even a small load on the concrete consecutively for sometime, one day the concrete will break eventually. That's why all building have their life limit. So am i.
I had have this thoughts, that one day when i had enough, i should just pack my things and move to another country where no one can find me and nobody know anybody. So i can start fresh with new identity. Maybe even use the 'divorced' status or even 'widow'. Sound fun and adventure right?
Anyway, i have stop whining now. My boss just walk in to the office. Now i have to pretend to do some work and being busy about it. Hey, at least i'm not kissing his bottom right?
